I wish I could stop obsessing. I just want to stop thinking about it, about you, about love, about the feeling, the idea. About anyone. Thoughts of desired passion have made me selfish as it is all I can seem to talk about these days. Stories of characters that pass through my fairy tale. Anecdotes of experiences that I sometimes wish that I had never had. I love love but I hate the confusion. I will not allow myself to become closed off and bitter but I see how much easier it could be. The thing about experiencing a truly great love is that, whether wanted or not, it will always be a point of reference. I find myself comparing people, situations and my feelings with all that I have known. I want to break free like Queen says, but not because I have fallen in love for the first time like the song says but because I am experiencing what it is to fall out of love. I can't expect to find what I had because every relationship between two people, of any sort, is distinct and if my expectations are the same then I would be walking in circles as I'm trying to walk forward, not take two steps back. That also includes my relationship with myself, as I change, I have to approach myself differently and except and embrace the change within me. The hardest thing is following my heart-merely because there's a pressing feeling that tells me that I am looking for something else but not having a reason why or an idea of what it is that I am looking for. Adults will belittle or avoid the analysis or further acknowledgement of these feelings and sum it up as "finding yourself." Maybe that's true, maybe my heart is telling me that there is more out there that will help me grow and will help me discover myself. We often compare life to a game of chess but I am playing the game of Clue, although my story does not involve murder, everything is a mystery, and every person has a distinct role in my life and every situation that I find myself in or person that I meet helps me to discover another clue as to what my mission is, as to who I am but there's no cheating in the game of life. There's no mystery book, answer or psychic that can tell you what to do, what is correct or unveil to you all of the correct answers and it's hard, it's so hard... I mean I told a boy I was a lesbian yesterday because I can't handle yet another boy confessing his unacquainted love for me, mostly false, covered in compliments, with a five minute discussion about how beautiful my eyes are. I don't know what is real anymore. I can't take a compliment because everything has an ulterior motive. Maybe it is my honesty that sticks people to me like glue. You open yourself up to the world and although you walk with sincerity it is hard to find that realness in others. Where have all the real men gone? I don't want to meet yet another person whose lies I have to walk through in order to get to their core. This is not another feminist rant. However I can't deny that more than half the time that I meet a man, this is the response that I get. Honestly, I just want honesty. And in addition some love and a little respect and warmer weather in Madrid, an unlimited bank account and true world peace. But hey, one thing at a time. Can you handle the truth?
lunes, 3 de febrero de 2014
viernes, 19 de julio de 2013
T-11 days... (7-19-13)
Today marks the beginning of summer madness as my days in Madrid, Spain come to an end. I'm on my way to Cambalache, a music bar, with my friends from choir. I've fallen in love with Madrid and Spain and with every trip that I take even more. As I'm writing this, although fast, I'm translating it into spanish in my head. My heart is thumping with excitement. Wow! A year has gone by and I'm going to Barca de Avila tomorrow to stay with a Couchsurfing host for the first time. It sounds like an incredible town full of nature, mountains and beauty and a river that everyone swims in and man is it hot here in Spain! Then off to Salamanca on Saturday with my friend AnaLy from choir, who is a delight. She studied there years ago and hasn't been back in 10 years, how sweet life is that I'm going with her! Then after an amazing 2 days I'll come back for a few hours and pack for Italy, I can't believe that I'm actually going to Italy, my eyes swell, my heart pumps and my stomach gets butterflies saying it out loud! I have packed none of my belongings but know that all will be fantastic and worth it. Pre-Italy goals, get away to Florence for a day. Sunday night I'll be staying with a couch surfer who used in his description a metaphor of a thirst for water like a thirst for life, my favorite part, a thirst for smiles. I too have a thirst for smiles I told him. Then Monday-Friday I think I'll be staying with another lovely Couchsurfer, whose heart I can tell is big from here as he tells me that his house will be full of four but that I could stay if I didn't mind and when I told him that I was so grateful and didn't mind sleeping on the floor, he told me that he would never do that to me. But, I'm planning on it. Repeat of Barcelona... It was so worth it! My friend Jorge, whose crazy spirit I admire is in Venice right now. He left last minute on a bus to Barcelona, 6-8 hours away, left his stuff in a flat that he'll come back to rent in August and left immediately from there to the airport, straightaway to Venicia. We may just meet up in Rome amigo, all thanks to you! Ireland still calls me but something shouted Rome when Jorge mentioned it. That's my fantastic plan for now, promise to write when the action has begun! Xo xo
sábado, 16 de febrero de 2013
School Review-Entire summary coming soon!
So I am deciding to start off with my blog again from what is now the beginning of my second semester abroad, recapping the end of my first semester. I arrived here August 26th and today is February 5th, 2012. Without even making reference to my first 5-6 months here (which I promise to do in the upcoming week), starting from the week after we returned from our wonderful winter break, January 7th, 2013 my life has felt like a hurricane.
The classes that I took last semester included, Art in the Prado Museum, Spanish Linguistics, Comparative English/Spanish Syntax, Intro to Spanish Literature and a Spanish Theater class, which was half lecture and half acting. My finals for each class included an essay of around 2,000 words and a written final (with the exception of theater, where we performed our final play and were graded based on our midterm, which we took in November). After the most exciting, incredible, fun and thrilling 2 weeks of my traveling life to Paris, France and Athens, Greece, where I did not once commit myself to writing or studying for school I was put to the test hardcore when I returned up until my last final, Tuesday January 29th.
For my Art History class, which taught us the broad spectrum of art from the 12th century, with mural, tribal like paintings through the 16th century with Michael Angelo, El Greco and Manierismo (the type of art). We were expected to memorize the dates, style, technique and the evidence/significance of the transition in between one style and another and recognize the symbolism, being able to analyze what the artist painted, commonalities, regional/teacher influences, etc... For our essay we had to choose a piece from the time period, not yet analyzed and write about it based on what we already knew as well as take a written final that gave us 5 minutes to write the most important info about the 10 paintings that he was projecting to us out of the 50 or so that we studied, with nearly no sleep and a jumbled memory I am just happy that I survived haha.
Proceeding art was Linguistics, very grammatical and particular questions, about the structure of a sentence and basic definitions and I also discovered how interesting I find Social Linguistics to be as it is the way that different people, genders, classes, ages and regions speak. This is the topic that I chose to write about for our essay.
For our Spanish Literature class I was fortunate to be able to write about the play that I performed in for theater, "La Casa de Bernarda Alba," (Bernarda Alba´s house) written by Federico Garcia Lorca, an infamous writer, of various mediums, from Granada, España. The written test required that we recognize the chosen excerpt and identify from which piece of literature we had read, the title, author and time period and then we had specific questions about the 2 pieces (out of maybe 10).
Syntax was killer, with her requiring that we choose an excerpt both available in English and Spanish and compare certain forms of writing between what is customary in Spanish and the same or the contrary in English and put it in the form of a chart along with a written commentary. The written final was also a slight surprise being that she did not solely stick to the material that we had studied but tested us on colloquial Spanish! Kill me! Prior to taking the final I hadn´t slept in nearly 24 hours and with the proceeding hours partying, 48 hours passed before I layed my head down. We were celebrating my friend´s birthdays in addition to the end of finals. With a lovely Spanish school system we were given one whole day inbetween the last day of finals and the beginning of our second semester of finals.
NOW-
I have settled on the History of Vanguardian Art on Monday and Tuesday mornings, with a break on Wednesdays and an occassional required additional practice for my art class and Thursday and Fridays I am enrolled in Composition, where we will be able to write works of fiction as well as incorporate newspaper articles and written works relating to Spanish culture/society, followed by the History of Latin America, Ethnology of America and the importance of the Islamic perspective and culture in Spain (who conquered España from 711-1492). I am very happy with my choices and have 6 students that I tutor in English inbetween my school schedule. 3 hours on Monday afternoon, 2 hours Tuesday afternoon as well as a new conversation partner inbetween. The extra money is helpful and the experience is one that I most definitely could not obtain in other means. I am however looking for a language exchange partner (despite the fact that I express my self in spanish with my students sometimes and of course with Spaniards that I meet as well as the Americans when they want to).
Hobbies/Extra Curricular Activities
- Dancing: either Latin American or Spanish Flamenco style dancing.
- Intercambio (language exchange).
- Any and every Photography contest, challenge, adventure.
- Singing, recording, choir, musical collaboration with others of any sort.
- Journaling, Blogging, Photo website updates, Scrapbooking.
-Here's my desk, keeping me inspired. :)
domingo, 11 de noviembre de 2012
My first entry!
Hola, Hello a todos!
Welcome to my blog,
Here I will write about my adventures, my life, my thrills and my story abroad in Madrid, Spain and of all of the fabulous places that I travel to during this year. As much as I would love to write in spanish, I want to be sure that all of my family understands so I plan on writing a lot in English, however, if I write in Spanish, I will be sure to create a link that will take you to a page that translates my words into English. :) Therefore I get the joy out of writing in Spanish and simultaneously you can all understand.
Today is October 8th, 2012. I boarded the plane in San Francisco airport August 26th 2012 and what craziness it was to prepare for a year abroad, to pack, to deal with a cancelled flight, a missed flight and the experience of arriving in a foreign country with no money and no phone.
The build up to coming to Spain was full of a lot of emotions. I was most definitely stressed! I didn't know where I would live, what to plan for, what to pack, how to say goodbye, how to prepare Erick and Alec at home to be sure that they would pay bills on time, eat healthy and respect one another. There was also the reality that I was going to be leaving the love of my life for a year and my friends and family as well. The truth is that the only way that I could emotionally deal with everything was to push it out of my mind and spend each day focused on the present and a day or a week ahead. I made many lists in order to keep myself on track and I created a pile in my room that I continuously contributed to up until the day that I left. I didn't start packing clothes until a week before I was leaving. I didn't actually finish packing my suitcase until I went to sleep, late night, hours before I had to leave for the airport. When my brother Alexander moved in with my boyfriend and I, Erick, it was all preparation for them, who would soon be roommates without me in August. I wrote in my journal on July 9th that Alec had been at our house for 13 days. This means he moved in June 26th, so we all three lived together for 2 months. I loved living together because it meant that I got the best of both worlds, time with my boyfriend and time with my brother, one of my best friends, before I was leaving on one of the biggest trips of my life. Initially it did add some extra stress, another mouth to feed, a lot of compromising, understanding, teaching, but ultimately so worth it! We had so much bonding time and it was honestly a bigger gift that I even realized at the time. We made lists of house rules for the three of us and I continuously encouraged them to make a list for the both of them. Towards the end of my time at home my mom came to visit with our two dogs. It was nice to have a full household full of some of the best people in my life. :) I found myself writing and thinking a lot. Songs, poems, doodles, lists. I have a doodle that I remember drawing in June or July and it says, "Well, seeing as my head is rather fogged and I can't find myself thinking about much more, it is only fitting that I doodle about Spain," then I drew some squiggly lines and SPAIN in the middle. The visa process that I endured to be here in Spain for the length of the school year was "increíble" as they would say in spanish with sarcasm. I promise to write out a list of advice and what to do and what not to do for future program participants, although the joke is that they are often changing the regulations so who knows how relevant it will be.
SO, let's get to the heart of the matter. Real talk about the preparation and the initial days in Spain. I am checking things off my list until 4 am the day that I am supposed to be on the road to the airport at 6 am (although we left at 6:30) and the last but most important thing that I was left with was uploading pictures onto my external hard drive so that I could format my memory cards and bring them with me.
Side Note* My external hard drive that I had worked hard to build up for the past 2 years, with my life's work so far, stopped functioning one random day during the summer. So, weeks of stress and 300-400 dollars later I was left with a brand new hard drive and all of my information transferred. However because of this, I didn't have the money to buy a portable external hard drive to bring with me to Spain... which I am now kicking myself over as I already have 1,000 + pictures and no real secure place to put them. I'll probably buy one soon...I got to the point where I didn't have time to finish working on my pictures, I left without finishing a few really important photo projects that I had planned to do the last 2 weeks but couldn't because I didn't have access to them.
When we arrive at the airport and mom goes to park the car we soon find out that our plane broke down and our flight has been cancelled. No one else from my program was informed, no phone calls or texts or emails, utter disregard and after a great effort and a lot of money to be a part of the "group flight." After a 30-45 minute wait at the counter the attendant finally booked me and anyone else that she could get a hold of from my program a flight to Chicago and from there to Germany and from there to Spain. This was great because I had more time to visit and say goodbye! When the time came for me to wait in the security line, I was ready. I spoke to a really nice boy in line from China. He was in SF on an exchange program. I finally get to the boarding gate only to find out that the woman printed my itinerary out incorrectly and my boarding gate had been changed to somewhere much further than I was. In a concentrated effort to run to the correct gate with a backpack that could knock someone out cold, a carry on bag with a loose handle, a luggage stuffed to the brim and a camera bag around my neck I now laugh at the thought of what I must have looked like running. I asked for help and the woman at the gate ignored me and laughed as she walked to the restroom. I got in front at the customer service line where they continuously blamed me and I started yelling, went back to the original gate where they referred me to only to be told that there was nothing they could do and I should go back to the customer service line, where I was greeted by a man who said, "welcome to flying." I stripped off my 3 layers of clothing, called my mom to rant and then sat on my bag for 45 minutes and waited. When I got to the front of the line, I calmly stated what happened and eventually they came to their senses and tried to book me another flight. I swear, after waiting 45 minutes in line, I was at the counter with him for 45 minutes while he was on the phone to book me a flight. I left pleased though and slowly walked to the opposite side of the airport to Lufthansa, direct flight to Germany. At this point, I find out that my luggage is on its way to Chicago! I had to call the baggage agent on the phone and try to explain my situation and my end destination. At this point I am incredibly grateful that my mom informed me of how important it is to pack your carry on baggage as if you will never see your suitcase again. The flight was direct from SF to Germany and then I met up with the rest of my group in Frankfurt at the airport. When we landed all my bags were present and accounted for and for that I was SO grateful. Now here comes the funny part. 4 girls. American. In Madrid. No money. No phone. No correct contact information. What do we do? So after panicking for awhile getting let down by the 20 people that we asked for help we finally got ahold of our director Carlos who came in a taxi accross town to meet us and bring us back in taxis. The first look of Madrid was all but fantastic. Sewer and Smoke smell everywhere. I will never forget that! Man were we a little shocked, but happy to have landed. The drive seemed a little lame, nothing that stood out too much, in fact, at first glance, it reminded me of San Francisco. I had imagined cobblestone streets everywhere, with cafes and music at every corner. Signs about Flamenco and colorful decorations everywhere. Reality check.
Stay tuned for part 2 of the last two months that I have been here. I am regretting not blogging sooner, but it's never to late to start. I have at least 10 blog entries that will be written in the upcoming week. :D I LOVE MADRID. (feelings have changed since the beginning, we'll get to that soon!)
First photos of Madrid ever! Here is the majority of our CSU IP program on our very first tour of Madrid, Spain. SO exciting. Oh ok... I began to realize that beautiful places do exist in the city.
ALL of my tour pictures are here, please click the link to see them. https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.310482262382643.64844.250383858392484&type=3
Hasta Luego!
Con amor,
María
Welcome to my blog,
Here I will write about my adventures, my life, my thrills and my story abroad in Madrid, Spain and of all of the fabulous places that I travel to during this year. As much as I would love to write in spanish, I want to be sure that all of my family understands so I plan on writing a lot in English, however, if I write in Spanish, I will be sure to create a link that will take you to a page that translates my words into English. :) Therefore I get the joy out of writing in Spanish and simultaneously you can all understand.
Today is October 8th, 2012. I boarded the plane in San Francisco airport August 26th 2012 and what craziness it was to prepare for a year abroad, to pack, to deal with a cancelled flight, a missed flight and the experience of arriving in a foreign country with no money and no phone.
The build up to coming to Spain was full of a lot of emotions. I was most definitely stressed! I didn't know where I would live, what to plan for, what to pack, how to say goodbye, how to prepare Erick and Alec at home to be sure that they would pay bills on time, eat healthy and respect one another. There was also the reality that I was going to be leaving the love of my life for a year and my friends and family as well. The truth is that the only way that I could emotionally deal with everything was to push it out of my mind and spend each day focused on the present and a day or a week ahead. I made many lists in order to keep myself on track and I created a pile in my room that I continuously contributed to up until the day that I left. I didn't start packing clothes until a week before I was leaving. I didn't actually finish packing my suitcase until I went to sleep, late night, hours before I had to leave for the airport. When my brother Alexander moved in with my boyfriend and I, Erick, it was all preparation for them, who would soon be roommates without me in August. I wrote in my journal on July 9th that Alec had been at our house for 13 days. This means he moved in June 26th, so we all three lived together for 2 months. I loved living together because it meant that I got the best of both worlds, time with my boyfriend and time with my brother, one of my best friends, before I was leaving on one of the biggest trips of my life. Initially it did add some extra stress, another mouth to feed, a lot of compromising, understanding, teaching, but ultimately so worth it! We had so much bonding time and it was honestly a bigger gift that I even realized at the time. We made lists of house rules for the three of us and I continuously encouraged them to make a list for the both of them. Towards the end of my time at home my mom came to visit with our two dogs. It was nice to have a full household full of some of the best people in my life. :) I found myself writing and thinking a lot. Songs, poems, doodles, lists. I have a doodle that I remember drawing in June or July and it says, "Well, seeing as my head is rather fogged and I can't find myself thinking about much more, it is only fitting that I doodle about Spain," then I drew some squiggly lines and SPAIN in the middle. The visa process that I endured to be here in Spain for the length of the school year was "increíble" as they would say in spanish with sarcasm. I promise to write out a list of advice and what to do and what not to do for future program participants, although the joke is that they are often changing the regulations so who knows how relevant it will be.
SO, let's get to the heart of the matter. Real talk about the preparation and the initial days in Spain. I am checking things off my list until 4 am the day that I am supposed to be on the road to the airport at 6 am (although we left at 6:30) and the last but most important thing that I was left with was uploading pictures onto my external hard drive so that I could format my memory cards and bring them with me.
Side Note* My external hard drive that I had worked hard to build up for the past 2 years, with my life's work so far, stopped functioning one random day during the summer. So, weeks of stress and 300-400 dollars later I was left with a brand new hard drive and all of my information transferred. However because of this, I didn't have the money to buy a portable external hard drive to bring with me to Spain... which I am now kicking myself over as I already have 1,000 + pictures and no real secure place to put them. I'll probably buy one soon...I got to the point where I didn't have time to finish working on my pictures, I left without finishing a few really important photo projects that I had planned to do the last 2 weeks but couldn't because I didn't have access to them.
When we arrive at the airport and mom goes to park the car we soon find out that our plane broke down and our flight has been cancelled. No one else from my program was informed, no phone calls or texts or emails, utter disregard and after a great effort and a lot of money to be a part of the "group flight." After a 30-45 minute wait at the counter the attendant finally booked me and anyone else that she could get a hold of from my program a flight to Chicago and from there to Germany and from there to Spain. This was great because I had more time to visit and say goodbye! When the time came for me to wait in the security line, I was ready. I spoke to a really nice boy in line from China. He was in SF on an exchange program. I finally get to the boarding gate only to find out that the woman printed my itinerary out incorrectly and my boarding gate had been changed to somewhere much further than I was. In a concentrated effort to run to the correct gate with a backpack that could knock someone out cold, a carry on bag with a loose handle, a luggage stuffed to the brim and a camera bag around my neck I now laugh at the thought of what I must have looked like running. I asked for help and the woman at the gate ignored me and laughed as she walked to the restroom. I got in front at the customer service line where they continuously blamed me and I started yelling, went back to the original gate where they referred me to only to be told that there was nothing they could do and I should go back to the customer service line, where I was greeted by a man who said, "welcome to flying." I stripped off my 3 layers of clothing, called my mom to rant and then sat on my bag for 45 minutes and waited. When I got to the front of the line, I calmly stated what happened and eventually they came to their senses and tried to book me another flight. I swear, after waiting 45 minutes in line, I was at the counter with him for 45 minutes while he was on the phone to book me a flight. I left pleased though and slowly walked to the opposite side of the airport to Lufthansa, direct flight to Germany. At this point, I find out that my luggage is on its way to Chicago! I had to call the baggage agent on the phone and try to explain my situation and my end destination. At this point I am incredibly grateful that my mom informed me of how important it is to pack your carry on baggage as if you will never see your suitcase again. The flight was direct from SF to Germany and then I met up with the rest of my group in Frankfurt at the airport. When we landed all my bags were present and accounted for and for that I was SO grateful. Now here comes the funny part. 4 girls. American. In Madrid. No money. No phone. No correct contact information. What do we do? So after panicking for awhile getting let down by the 20 people that we asked for help we finally got ahold of our director Carlos who came in a taxi accross town to meet us and bring us back in taxis. The first look of Madrid was all but fantastic. Sewer and Smoke smell everywhere. I will never forget that! Man were we a little shocked, but happy to have landed. The drive seemed a little lame, nothing that stood out too much, in fact, at first glance, it reminded me of San Francisco. I had imagined cobblestone streets everywhere, with cafes and music at every corner. Signs about Flamenco and colorful decorations everywhere. Reality check.
Stay tuned for part 2 of the last two months that I have been here. I am regretting not blogging sooner, but it's never to late to start. I have at least 10 blog entries that will be written in the upcoming week. :D I LOVE MADRID. (feelings have changed since the beginning, we'll get to that soon!)
First photos of Madrid ever! Here is the majority of our CSU IP program on our very first tour of Madrid, Spain. SO exciting. Oh ok... I began to realize that beautiful places do exist in the city.
Hasta Luego!
Con amor,
María
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