I'm addicted to love (5/16/13)

I wish I could stop obsessing. I just want to stop thinking about it, about you, about love, about the feeling, the idea. About anyone. Thoughts of desired passion have made me selfish as it is all I can seem to talk about these days. Stories of characters that pass through my fairy tale. Anecdotes of experiences that I sometimes wish that I had never had. I love love but I hate the confusion. I will not allow myself to become closed off and bitter but I see how much easier it could be. The thing about experiencing a truly great love is that, whether wanted or not, it will always be a point of reference. I find myself comparing people, situations and my feelings with all that I have known. I want to break free like Queen says, but not because I have fallen in love for the first time like the song says but because I am experiencing what it is to fall out of love. I can't expect to find what I had because every relationship between two people, of any sort, is distinct and if my expectations are the same then I would be walking in circles as I'm trying to walk forward, not take two steps back. That also includes my relationship with myself, as I change, I have to approach myself differently and except and embrace the change within me.  The hardest thing is following my heart-merely because there's a pressing feeling that tells me that I am looking for something else but not having a reason why or an idea of what it is that I am looking for. Adults will belittle or avoid the analysis or further acknowledgement of these feelings and sum it up as "finding yourself." Maybe that's true, maybe my heart is telling me that there is more out there that will help me grow and will help me discover myself. We often compare life to a game of chess but I am playing the game of Clue, although my story does not involve murder, everything is a mystery, and every person has a distinct role in my life and every situation that I find myself in or person that I meet helps me to discover another clue as to what my mission is, as to who I am but there's no cheating in the game of life. There's no mystery book, answer or psychic that can tell you what to do, what is correct or unveil to you all of the correct answers and it's hard, it's so hard... I mean I told a boy I was a lesbian yesterday because I can't handle yet another boy confessing his unacquainted love for me, mostly false, covered in compliments, with a five minute discussion about how beautiful my eyes are. I don't know what is real anymore. I can't take a compliment because everything has an ulterior motive. Maybe it is my honesty that sticks people to me like glue. You open yourself up to the world and although you walk with sincerity it is hard to find that realness in others. Where have all the real men gone? I don't want to meet yet another person whose lies I have to walk through in order to get to their core. This is not another feminist rant. However I can't deny that more than half the time that I meet a man, this is the response that I get. Honestly, I just want honesty. And in addition some love and a little respect and warmer weather in Madrid, an unlimited bank account and true world peace. But hey, one thing at a time. Can you handle the truth?